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Hiroka's Magik Wonderland [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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flashing lights [Sep. 15th, 2013|05:42 am]
Like many many times before I've been seeing twinkles. not just when blood preasure spiked..

It's something I've gotten used to seeing. I'm not afraid of it, but I realized nobody knows. they don't know I've seen more and more lately.

So the reason I'm saying this is now there's groupings of them, and I tend to have more and more blurry vision episodes when waking up. I once even had to drive with the blur I would rub my eyes like crazy, but dim light, and blurry. all after the previous day seeing twinkles. somewhere in my in-direct vision. I know something's going on.

but who would give a crap anyways.
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hate being told i'm needed to stay in bed [Aug. 26th, 2013|03:41 am]
I have constantly been asked to stay in bed with my wife so many times while I have no way of go to to sleep. took 4 melatonin, and reversed effects took hold. wide awake as ever could be, and blurry vision to boot. it's hilarious if not mentally self malicious to think that it's be a good idea to wake at 2pm, and expect to be in sleepy land by midnight

I have so many bad thoughts, and ptsd. it makes be want to stab-stab-stab...

I have one hand carvered down from the nails I was done up with for my wedding, and the other still mostly whole. she put teeth bites in them. I think it's pretty sexy, but she'll never take the time to talk about our feelings anymore. I guess cause she reads many of them. especially this one. if she wasn't so f-ing tired herself it'd be read from my face in a minute of meloncoly

Does one simple just change it all?
my only three choices are ??

I'm tired of being relyant on social support, but I'm really just a junky in their game, and my parents make it a certainty for the canvas they protray. I'm a worthless bum except to my wife.

I really can't do anything anymore. I feel like a spending monster, and i'm unable to change for the better. despite my fb friends.

so as I calm down I'll think about beating my arm since I can't slice it with my nails, and all to avoid breaking some part of the house or someone's face.

what kind of mother would I be even if my body worked right?
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Just kill us all [Aug. 18th, 2013|02:05 am]


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I miss sensable people [Aug. 18th, 2013|01:56 am]

Who wants to be mentally helthy?? I do!!

Why do i have a shitty amount of people show up for our wedding? Oh because nobody likes me. Cant even drive two to fourteen miles . Small understandings from the distant invitees.

I think i'll take this out on those ones who have no excuse. With a big fuck you in the way of defriending.

They dont give a fuck anyways.

I hate shitty friends. I'd rather have a hater than someone like them.

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Caring is caring [Aug. 16th, 2013|08:11 pm]

Why should it surprise me? It didnt.

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if i was here from the past [Jul. 20th, 2013|03:56 am]
If the male past version of myself was here in front of me he'd beat my whiny ass. I wish I could meet myself from the past just as a reflection.

I must get a tattoo that will read "I can't remember I'm a good person, and I'm not guilty of being death"
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should I be suprised or Proud? [Jul. 16th, 2013|12:53 am]
My girlfriend just got pissed at my family for changing their minds after lengthy discussion, and a monetary execution that was cleared via my mom. I was frightened by the fact the wedding has killed our money, and what's left is on a foodstamps card. not a cash for either. just food. yay soup!

I was going to just have nicole stay for 3days maybe 4, but because I'd cleared she could stay here we went for 7 because she could really be useful. I've felt the trudgery since before I spent a dime.my bridesmaid was my solve for the issue, and with her here it'd solve it all some help, and some company, and someone to be happy for me too. I don't feel that as much from a text on a screen.

I'm selling all the trinkets, and things not needed. and even including the Big TV. I wish it wasn't the fact but it'll probley be worth 200 of the 500 we may need depending on the costs, and gas we'll have to use for said Hotel.

I was so cut off at the knees when they said it all I could come up with was to post a bunch of stuff to sell, and that was it. my fiance' stepped it up a few notches with the TV, and our cars, and topping it off with having to move to Washington to live because we wouldn't be able to goto work without cars.

Honestly she doesn't know that could be brought back as a "go ahead"

But she's never gained anything by playing it softly. I think that's why she loves her job so-much.

Wow.. this was a difference in posts for sure.
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my antibridezilla [Jul. 14th, 2013|01:47 pm]
[Current Mood |annoyedannoyed]
[Current Music |www.youtube.com/embed/3NULXtTz-dg]

I'm getting married in less than a month. it's amazing that such a big thing is happening, and all I can do is nothing. I am broke, and waiting..

I've been being called Bridezilla alot lately, but the truth is I'm expecting Less than crap from everyone. it's my wedding. and it's so unimportant that we're sitting here arguing about cats and whether or not I should be allowed to care a shit about them.

I've been told my hair is going to be taken care of, and if so I'm gonna hope to have a surprise for my friend. she'll also have a place by my side. this of course is also allowing for my love's brother to stand up there too. Hell all weddings need a failure in the party to draw the bad luck away.

I've been trying to plant these flowers for 2 months, and just as I get them to the garden bed, and time away from my fiance's cat obsession. I find out it's gonna poor... I should have just stayed out in the dark planting them. now I have to wait for the water to evaporate from the soil so I'm not making rich clay.

I've always been blamed for one thing or another, and I'd rather have someone self absorbed than someone wanting to use me to kick around when the bad things happen to them. then again I've often wondered if this would be inside my possible actions. I caught myself blowing up at my fiance for the flowers all falling to the ground. it wasn't horrible, but I was caught off-guard while doing something nice. I hate my life because it's always seemingly the fault of not having the help of those whom were supposed to deliver what I was wanting, and telling me I don't have to pay for it. DAMNED RIGHT I don't have to pay for it. Because I've never gotten it!! I'm so getting the point that while I have a Goal to reach. they have no reason to help me. they bought tomato plants because mine died.. why..? because they want tomatoes! not because they want me to grow tomatoes. they're really kinda mean.

Who F-ing cares that I think things matter, and try to fix what I can for people near or far.
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8weeks till [Jun. 11th, 2013|03:31 am]
I am all flustered, and horney, and well fricked up physically and emotionally. this place used to be so useful, but now I post here because I don't want the shitty drama of seeing others who really haven't met me or don't know how I feel from my borders.

I'm in a good estrogen not-so-care-y place with me not exactly avoiding my E, but instead forgetting to take it. I'm curious should I go back on, and suffer a savage mental berrage or do I stay off it, and hope my body can live without for two months?

Then there's this Baby thing. I know NONE of my trans friends bring up having a baby, but I was always avoidant of thinking about it before transition, and then so many feelings came when I was in a new relationship. one where they didn't want to feed the unborn child to her Dogs.

My Fiance is a kind, and loving gal, but probley will avoid carrying a baby unless I were to somehow MAN-UP which she never knew of me doing. ever, but I think everyone thinks I can be a Bill Gates or a Career person. I don't believe in the situation as being a static as it was for only about 30yrs.

I'm not her dad abusing himself as he offers the new sales ads. I bet he's having a big problem not working like he used to.

I've always had pains and mental issues. they told me this from every year of school i went to. bad kid or mental or sckizo. I think nobody understands me, and throughout alot of my education. I still haven't found a way to explain that to anyone. I'm not able to do all that, and make monotonous money.

I am very upset that when I hear triggers to talk about sex with my partner she's thinking about computers, and I was thinking you want to color what??

Nobody cares either.
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Killing plants [Apr. 30th, 2013|06:01 pm]
Her cats are so worth everything, but my plants are worth nothing.

I should watch a movie instead of working on a greenhouse!

Two more cuts.
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