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Very loaded gun - Hiroka's Magik Wonderland [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Very loaded gun [Feb. 16th, 2014|09:33 pm]
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I've often felt like a gun was one of the messiest ways to end my life, and While it's been available. I have to tell you. It seems the easiest when it comes to assured Suicide.

My friends have been so stressed as of late. many return to their pasts thinking how cute they were, and how beautiful, and all I can see through this frustration is the wrinkles, and pain of my body doing what it likes despite what I've ordered. this isn't in the karma of the world, and I like others know there's something deeply wrong. I try to passify myself with thoughts of having a baby, and it's just a obsurd cover for the fact I'm still worthless, and the only drug I can think of to compensate for not being the person in control of my life is to mess with a childs'. I I I I I.... I hate ME, and I, and Myself, and there's nothing besides some narnia bullshit to make it seem like anything else.

I just wasted money today doing what I do every year.. Planting things. Bought some hydroponics idea parts, and while it's very easy to do. I don't trust myself to convince anyone to let me do it, and I don't believe in an outcome that isn't the plants dying.

My anxiety meds are like a fly on the semitrucks headlight.
My antidepression meds are so small amount. I can't do anything with it.
I can't even just sleep my life away.
I wish I could go back in time, and PUNCH everyone who said that to me.
Obvious ploy to make me think I could do such a thing.

Just like work, and hobbies, and life.