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perpetual self infringement! - Hiroka's Magik Wonderland [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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perpetual self infringement! [Oct. 30th, 2013|06:11 am]
I've long discussed with others about my passing, and the facts that sometimes it's not just about passing but how you feel about what you do when you're looking to.

It's all about the disphoria. it's not something that's just solved. it's an imbalance that has a razors edge. one minute you're fine. the next it's anxiety, and fear. it's all about the treatment. You're never cured.

I'll never feel like I can accomplish my goal of being a mother, and a woman, and there's nothing this world would like better when it puts its minds to it. than to put me in a hole in the ground, and in the most selfish way possible. I feel as a trans person it's not going to be the end with being raped, and abused, and fired repetitively.

I'm far from over with my life. Despite trying to kill myself 4 times now. First was overdosing on Tylenol, and of course that didn't work. probley gave me some mis-balanced blood issue.

Second time I stabbed myself in the arm, and went to the ward.

Third time was overdose on Anti-anxiety meds, and lost memories of good times and family, and took me a while to realize when I woke. that I wasn't dead. I hate waking in a white room with white sheets.

Fourth time was hanging myself off our windmill tower with a Pully-belt. it wasn't fun, and my now wife, and mother were holding my body from reaching the full weight. I spent 5 months of bodily reactions on my own come back from that. Never did I think continuing to live was going to be so-painful!

I'm now dealing with family that's faced similar issues, and even made a few tried themselves. I know better than to get engulfed into their topics though. I know If I was brought into my topics full bore. it's break my barriers. natural, and cooperatively made. I try hard not to get depressed, and thinking those statements outloud or in my mind.

I'm tired. congrats. it's my first not-so-pissy Blog in a long time.