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I don't know what to do. [Jun. 4th, 2014|08:48 pm]
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if it weren't for the fear of someone thinking I'd done something to my nieces I'd kill myself over all this stress.

My bro-in-law molested multiple nieces, and autistic nephew, and his children, two+dead babies

I want to not know this shit. I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER THIS SHIT!

I was stressed knowing I've failed my friend getting her moved, and now I feel like I stole from her, and there's no way to come back for a second try because my livelihood is all in shambles. as CPS threatened to take the kids, and I will be dead before they show up to ever take them from my family.

I should have shot him like I should have shot her Ex. she is a Horrible person, and a horrid joke of a mother.

If he gets off this without a hand slap I'm going to post his name all over the county followed by pedophile. that man has a insidiousness that rivals any horror movie prospect.

And I can't even leave with my stuff because someone won't just say "okay" or "Yes".

Why did I marry someone with all the right things, and life, and worth a chance at me living on to continue. just to be shortchanged at this.

So I've been full on anxiety. massive triggers laying out snapping my reactions, and worst of all what I do to myself. I keep feeling varicose veins popping out of my skin, and I complete full swings at my left forearm which is recovering till today's episode. Now re-bruised.

When I can neutralize the thoughts. I get curious if I'll be suffering on into late life with damaged vessels, and compressed bone fragments.

Why can't I just leave, and give up on this family of dense drama, and disregard for ones self.

I want to avoid it. why don't they?
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I've had it. [Mar. 20th, 2014|01:56 am]

I can't take anymore from my family without a pause. I swear I'll need to leave this place soon if I don't I'll set something on fire or on the positive side. Sell all I can to run off for a few months. I can't live with them saying no to all the plans they said yes to. stopping me from doing the steps of making these things that will work for me. I am trapped here doing JUST WHAT THEY SAY TO DO. I can't cut myself. I can't kill myself. I just don't have it in me anymore. I am in this spot where neither helping not hindering will make me feel better. they're just fucking anti-cooperative. I know feel like I shouldn't feel like the Victim of the assaults, and strangling. I should have let them happen, and just been dead after. As if they'd have had anything better to do.

My mom has begun acting just like her mother. her dreams for this farm, and my dad's asshole nature have made this place worthless. all this stuff. all the energy, and plans. and ALL I'M WORTH is saying NO to.

No. No. Wait, But, can't you, didn't you, you're forgetting, You better ask.., and so on, and so on, and So ON!

She even bought us a Trailer, and It's not allowed to me done anything with, and we're not allowed to go into it. cause it's ... WHATEVER!

I would love to just go stay with someone, but the drawback is I'd not be useful.
I need to leave, camp or something. Found this nice cottage in NM, but it'd be crazy to think they'd give me the money. I need to take my seeds, and my go-bag, and leave. I just need to know what to do about Kate. she's not going to go on a multi-month excursion. She's got problems. I need some mental health help, and my social security Disability has been sent back again. I even lost my lawyer.

Not looking for hope. just looking for relief.
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please cut off my hand [Mar. 7th, 2014|12:38 pm]
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I was at the store, and found a deal on a replacement outlet for the bathroom which has been shorting out the breaker for about half a decade, and mom said sure! buy it!

I bring it home ask if we can install it, and dad says noo. it's still working. why do we have to replace it.

I brought up the constant irritation of breaker popping, and the fact we had to put the tv on the basement wall through a extension cord, and he huffs off.

I told my mom immediately he'll see this house fall to termites before he replaces it with the new one.

So TODAY. I fumbled acrossed it, and said. "I think i'm gonna cut the breaker off, and install this" which my mom said. oh, no you shouldn't.

Same thing goes with the trailer she bought us to relax in.
NOW! they have some high-scale quality issue with this 1976 nomad RV. I'm like. do you know how old it is? what was your goal in getting it? what were you thinking it would do? of course it has leaked, but It's called repairing things.. Making things better. remodeling. but you don't start by beating yourself up about it. I even checked it against the Craigslist ads all over, and the price was nice for something in that condition. My sister's 86 RV was worse, and it is 6 foot longer!

Can't something just give? do I need to Buy them some POT?
Do I have to grow it, and throw it in the BBQ so they get it?
Why won't they just be positive, and not make something as nice as having a trailer of our own a cumbersome thing?

Someday I'll just take a truck, and the rv, and all the food, and drive off into the desert, and hide out on the Oil pumper roads!

Why? Just to SPITE their BULLSHIT!
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Very loaded gun [Feb. 16th, 2014|09:33 pm]
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I've often felt like a gun was one of the messiest ways to end my life, and While it's been available. I have to tell you. It seems the easiest when it comes to assured Suicide.

My friends have been so stressed as of late. many return to their pasts thinking how cute they were, and how beautiful, and all I can see through this frustration is the wrinkles, and pain of my body doing what it likes despite what I've ordered. this isn't in the karma of the world, and I like others know there's something deeply wrong. I try to passify myself with thoughts of having a baby, and it's just a obsurd cover for the fact I'm still worthless, and the only drug I can think of to compensate for not being the person in control of my life is to mess with a childs'. I I I I I.... I hate ME, and I, and Myself, and there's nothing besides some narnia bullshit to make it seem like anything else.

I just wasted money today doing what I do every year.. Planting things. Bought some hydroponics idea parts, and while it's very easy to do. I don't trust myself to convince anyone to let me do it, and I don't believe in an outcome that isn't the plants dying.

My anxiety meds are like a fly on the semitrucks headlight.
My antidepression meds are so small amount. I can't do anything with it.
I can't even just sleep my life away.
I wish I could go back in time, and PUNCH everyone who said that to me.
Obvious ploy to make me think I could do such a thing.

Just like work, and hobbies, and life.
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you know what my love is. [Jan. 25th, 2014|08:58 pm]

this is where I tell you how blah blah blah.. I have had a horrible night.

My dad brought up every evil that happened to me, and blamed himself as though he was somehow there, and directed the events.

I have a strong suspicious thought he's mostly made of this evil he doesn't know when it shows up.

He's afraid to continue living, and he feels like it's unable to do things like organize something as simple as his room, and shop. I'm afraid it'll be worthless to look forward to until he dies. the old process of having him away, and tearing through all the stuff. it's so much work! he needs to be away for a week on a good weather.

I have reason, I have positive aim
I suffer from not being able to put things together.

it's sufferance, I don't even do anything wrong. but abuse seems to continue..

I stopped blaming myself, and hating myself for these actions, and how others treat me.

I just don't know what to do with any of this information
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So Complicated .. It infuriated me. [Dec. 6th, 2013|11:43 pm]
My gma has been lost for more than 50yrs. she's not looking for us, and she probibaly doesn't even remember Popping a kid out.

The kid however; my dad. has always wondered what happened to her, and more importantly to meet her.

Drity gpa was a perv/peddo, and a Deviously demented Lier. so searching for her was a maze of fake facts, and wrong stories. He'd call his own mother a whore walking broadway. but the truth backed up by purchase receipts that she was cleaning hotels on that street. which is just sad, and mean. worthless horrible people my aunts, and gpa, and his wife are/were.

so we looked for help, and found a lead.

My sister was to msg her and ask, but Fb has a no-friend no direct msg policy without payment. it's horrid, but do-able.

My sister messaged the other folder just in case, but we had to get a pre-paid card to get it paid for. Then came the confusion.

She asked "what do you mean there's an Other Folder?"
Just there is one. grow up, and accept it.
"but it didn't say that, and I've never seen it"
FINE I'll screen capture it, and PM you with the pic and it circled!
"oh there it is!"(right as I'm capturing)

-Simpley who Gives a shit whether it exists or not. I need you take use this pre-paid card to send another msg!

"but it doesn't need one.. "

FUCK YOU SISTER!! Fuck you, and the stupid unimportant complications!!!

I'm still Flustered as I hear my mom talk endlessly about how gma was this or that about this or that that makes NOT a Fucking Hill a BEANS difference about this process.

Mandy You're FIRED!
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For every happy there's a Price to pay [Nov. 25th, 2013|11:30 pm]
It's all been a shitty mess.

yeah, you may think this is just another rant, and it is, but to me it's more. It's about how I was depressed, and how it couldn't get any better when others helped me with happy thoughts kind hearts, and then I went to bed.

That was my only warning that my turkey day was going to be Nuclear hell!!

First, my wife wakes up way too early takes it apon herself to think we should get more lights for heating up the coup, and then she while she needed to get on the turkey she so adamantly said was hers to cook. she decided to take off. going to buy more heat bulbs, and fixtures. I wasn't sure of why she even left, and it mattered about as much as her buying things we didn't need during what should be our chance to save money for when we have to move out, or even for that Brand new car she wants..

I find my mom has woke, and she noticed she was leaving, and there's where the start was.

Why is she leaving she, and I have a turkey to cook, and why isn't she remembering to take her phone.

a fight insued about how I'

And then we find out my mom hadn't had her Coffee.. What a Stupid Excuse.. I never am allowed to have a bad day when they come knocking, and I didn't come knocking.
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I wish they'd just canonize their children.. [Nov. 21st, 2013|11:13 pm]
I felt this many times over my life, and wonder still why parents who don't give their children a chance to speak without yelling at them, don't just kill them, and get it done with.

The children in question is my nieces, and nefews. I get really pissed at my sisters for being self important, and not leaving even the bit of room for them to confide, and understand what their parents are at.

I feel it's worse than the way we were raised, and worse than the abuse physically when the only words you hear are STOP NO SHUTUP. I have no means to offer a place or a means to remove them from the situations even for just a moment. can't take them shopping, and can't let them enjoy life. it's only the ignorance that allows them some normalcy. I'll judge how I hear it, and see it, and None of my sisters do anything that isn't in the sight of others in the kindness of lowered voices or calm collective thought.

It's simple when I say I hate them for this reason. They never give more than an inkling of depth when it comes to understanding, and it's horrible, and irrational to just keep yelling.

I fear what those kids will do to escape it some day in the nearing future.
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back to screaming [Nov. 6th, 2013|04:03 am]
It's been a hope that I could turn things around on my own, and with some help from my love, and purhaps pursue the option of transition my friend had offered.

I'm sitting here with screaming neck pain, and back ache, and pinching breaths..

I'm not alright, and nothing anyone can do will help. money always helps they all say to me. get a small job. sell something. goto school. sell your writings.

Honestly nothing of any interest comes from my writings except the pain and suffering from my suicidal diary.

If nothing special happens to me it'll just prove to me that I was worth nothing but a nuse to those whom abused me, and made a useless profit off my thoughts self choices, and life stories. Threats, and suffering, and I put it all aside for what? so walmart could tell me I'm worthless?

I'm fed up with this fight, but it's still here, and so-am I. As soon as I can I'm going to ask the state for more help. the car broke in less that 5months, and my meds, and doctors don't pay for themselves. I've been abusing my family when what I should have been doing was dying.

I tried; I did... It's hard not to hold yourself above full hanging when two people have your legs.

I'm fighting this depression with no meds, and nobody knows I'd do it again if that moment appeared again.

It's not the right time is all my Love says to me. Abused, and cuts, and she still won't find something else to love. Walmart is her master, and it's some kinda love for this crazy bunch of people that would call police on her for what they've done to her.

I hate the cruelty of life.
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perpetual self infringement! [Oct. 30th, 2013|06:11 am]
I've long discussed with others about my passing, and the facts that sometimes it's not just about passing but how you feel about what you do when you're looking to.

It's all about the disphoria. it's not something that's just solved. it's an imbalance that has a razors edge. one minute you're fine. the next it's anxiety, and fear. it's all about the treatment. You're never cured.

I'll never feel like I can accomplish my goal of being a mother, and a woman, and there's nothing this world would like better when it puts its minds to it. than to put me in a hole in the ground, and in the most selfish way possible. I feel as a trans person it's not going to be the end with being raped, and abused, and fired repetitively.

I'm far from over with my life. Despite trying to kill myself 4 times now. First was overdosing on Tylenol, and of course that didn't work. probley gave me some mis-balanced blood issue.

Second time I stabbed myself in the arm, and went to the ward.

Third time was overdose on Anti-anxiety meds, and lost memories of good times and family, and took me a while to realize when I woke. that I wasn't dead. I hate waking in a white room with white sheets.

Fourth time was hanging myself off our windmill tower with a Pully-belt. it wasn't fun, and my now wife, and mother were holding my body from reaching the full weight. I spent 5 months of bodily reactions on my own come back from that. Never did I think continuing to live was going to be so-painful!

I'm now dealing with family that's faced similar issues, and even made a few tried themselves. I know better than to get engulfed into their topics though. I know If I was brought into my topics full bore. it's break my barriers. natural, and cooperatively made. I try hard not to get depressed, and thinking those statements outloud or in my mind.

I'm tired. congrats. it's my first not-so-pissy Blog in a long time.
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