|perpetual self infringement!
||[Oct. 30th, 2013|06:11 am]
I've long discussed with others about my passing, and the facts that sometimes it's not just about passing but how you feel about what you do when you're looking to.|
It's all about the disphoria. it's not something that's just solved. it's an imbalance that has a razors edge. one minute you're fine. the next it's anxiety, and fear. it's all about the treatment. You're never cured.
I'll never feel like I can accomplish my goal of being a mother, and a woman, and there's nothing this world would like better when it puts its minds to it. than to put me in a hole in the ground, and in the most selfish way possible. I feel as a trans person it's not going to be the end with being raped, and abused, and fired repetitively.
I'm far from over with my life. Despite trying to kill myself 4 times now. First was overdosing on Tylenol, and of course that didn't work. probley gave me some mis-balanced blood issue.
Second time I stabbed myself in the arm, and went to the ward.
Third time was overdose on Anti-anxiety meds, and lost memories of good times and family, and took me a while to realize when I woke. that I wasn't dead. I hate waking in a white room with white sheets.
Fourth time was hanging myself off our windmill tower with a Pully-belt. it wasn't fun, and my now wife, and mother were holding my body from reaching the full weight. I spent 5 months of bodily reactions on my own come back from that. Never did I think continuing to live was going to be so-painful!
I'm now dealing with family that's faced similar issues, and even made a few tried themselves. I know better than to get engulfed into their topics though. I know If I was brought into my topics full bore. it's break my barriers. natural, and cooperatively made. I try hard not to get depressed, and thinking those statements outloud or in my mind.
I'm tired. congrats. it's my first not-so-pissy Blog in a long time.