| Some Halloween Photos.. (LATE) |
[Nov. 18th, 2008|02:05 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | oxford, ks | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  artistic | ] |
Some New Witch Photos from my Halloween costume.. *just the makeup!*
Would have Cut, But couldn't remember how.
BTW, Happy Birthday Geektrix!
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| waking day |
[Nov. 15th, 2008|03:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Kaki King - Can Anyone Who Has Heard This Music Really Be a Bad Person? | ] |
so many thoughts go through my head every night it's hard to figure out what to do about it all. I've found myself in a qandry.
I was accepted to a school i can't goto, and a skill i've wished to have for a long time.
if you look back on my life. You'll find my want to become a bicycle repair person, An engine Tech, writer, painter, photographer, business owner, website designer,
(problems just occured)
Stand by/ |
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| good day. i think |
[Sep. 17th, 2008|02:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Tv - GH | ] |
i don't know if it will end this well but the day has been started on a good note. my mom and i went into town . I bought a little jack-o-lanturn candle holder like the one i had in NH. she seemed pretty happy. I think i was too. we had so many ideas. none of them seemed possible. but all the same it was fun walking around the little town with nothing but a gas station and many closed buildings.
my hope in the hopeless ocean of life. |
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| rules |
[Jul. 13th, 2008|07:03 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | results | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | nowhere, Ks | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Daft Punk and Stardust - Music Sounds Better With You | ] |
tip number 3
Never tell your parents about anything you want to talk about your feelings about.
the reason is = you will hear nobody's words but thier discusting statements on why you should fucking get over it and how you're pathetic for even bringing the subject up in the first place.
-Sydney |
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| Results |
[Jun. 20th, 2008|01:42 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | results | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | nowhere, Ks | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Wendy O. Williams - 02 - Butcher baby (1980) | ] |
"i really hope tht one day things will go back to the way they were between me and you. there is a big void in my heart where your love used to be. i remember how we would always get past our problemd when we got to the point of our feelings. i remember how it seemed we could never stay mad at each other, or go without talking to each other for very long. i feel empty inside whe n i think about how very much i miss that feeling.. you have been my constant companion for the last four years almost.. and this distance.. this crushing and oppressive emotional wall that i feel drags my heart down to the ground. im so sorry i drove you away. i never wanted to. you were the only thing in my life i really wanted to hold onto... i faught so hard and waited sso long to get to the point of officially being with you.. i feel lke i am lost. i feel like i am going through the motions and doing what i have to do for me.. but im still sad.. theres still that hollow feeling inside.. i hate the feelings i have before every time i call you.. 'will she get mad at me" all that crap i ever weanted between me and you... this is horrible... before there was hurt but there was also caring and enjoying each other too. and it made the hurt seem not as bad.. but now i feel like i am on the outside of your life pressing my face against the window, remembering when i was inside. i feel broken and sad.. i am afrad ill never see you again in real life sometimes and that is a harsh possible reality that chills me to the core. i feel your absence from my life everyday and most days i can keep the weight of it but there are some ties like now when it just crushes me.. what happened to us? why are things like this? is there any hope? in times like this ll i can do is lie on my bed and cry"
While this seems Insurmountable the reality is simple.
I think it best to state i feel beaten by my own expectations.
my expectations are MUTE. as is my really human side to feeling this world's events.
The Void everyone so insesantly refers to is the spot where my trailer house was parked.
Realize that give and take is never been perpitrated by your moves. all you can see is what has been a defacto since you were born, and as a result you have no insite how it felt to be me
I'm not fairing much better. |
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| through the painting.. |
[Jun. 18th, 2008|04:48 am] |
My alice adventure.
i enduce cops chasing t-girls. mad hatless ,and hairless people going off on you because you haven't decided before you have been posed the question.
I would definately use some downtime. if i set my own amount of interactions perhaps i will use the tart-o-gram..
Sydney+ |
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| lies |
[Jun. 4th, 2008|03:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | kansas | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  dizzy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Kiki's delivery service | ] |
family you make t that much easier to forget about caring for you. the pain i feel and hold in so not to flare and rave all over ...
why do i have to lie to children to see them. should i even see them. if i have to lie to them soon enough i won't be able to hide things. and it'll end anyway.
I won't even see them grow up. what use is it to lie.
I'm holding back my tears... uncle aunt ? who cares!?
----days later----
why do i have to be tortured.. why do they care about me and do they really mean it? I'm tortured,,... My soul is crying. i have been crying so long and so much. when does it end?
----weeks later----
I'm alive but not doing any better. i suprised myself by driving to town but besides that i haven't done anything special. i wanted you all to know i'm not giving up. but having blurry vision and constand headaches don't help when searching for help.
here's a new pic of me.. it may change if i update the cam image.
Hope there will be a new wave come by soon.. or a shooting star i can catch a ride on with my net!
Sydney+ |
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| an exit |
[May. 6th, 2008|12:27 am] |
one of the worst way to exit this stage was thrust apon me by someone whom never told me in person. now i can't even confront them. I want to scream.. they SUCK. i hate life.
Leave me alone... |
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| about jon and his drag |
[Apr. 30th, 2008|12:07 am] |
to Jon:
"wonderful little deweller how oft you are a center of affections un wanted ignored and hoping for more."
-Sydney |
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| Stuff |
[Apr. 20th, 2008|09:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Hudson, nh | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  awake | ] |
marikotoeii: i just wanted to let ypou know that i do love you very much.. i am worried about you and about our future.. i want to help you find your heading again so that we can be happoy together.. i have to admit i am scared of losing you. i feel like there is a crack in the ship and if we dont find some land too we might sink. but i am so limited by what i cam do about it. it seem slike the opverall solve would be for you to find work. work would make money and coccupy time, giving way to us moving out or you moving out and me joining you.
marikotoeii: our relationship is very important to me. i just dont want to lose us.
marikotoeii: huggles
marikotoeii: you are sleeping right now, and i sont want to wake you up to tell these things to you
marikotoeii: but i really do care for you so much.. even when that happened that day and you drove off.. it was like something stabbed me in my heart. like the best thing in my life was gone..
marikotoeii: and i knew then that there was no part of me that was better off without you. you help give my life meaning. you motivate me to get out of this house. you are who i come hopw to and you asre who i want to spend my life wiht. i want us to travel and grow together
marikotoeii: you have even told me yourself there were points in our relationship where we were close to getting married.. and good and bad you'd be the only person that i want..
marikotoeii: its hard becuase i see you so unhappy and i see you so lost and i'm tryting so hard to help you, but in reality uou have to do it for yourself. all the answers to your problems are INSIDE of you
marikotoeii: but i plan to try and be the best panda i can be for you, lu lu |
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| Some Touchy |
[Apr. 14th, 2008|10:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Hudson, nh | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Silverstein - Smile In Your Sleep | ] |
by the clicking of my thumbs
something wicked this way comes |
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| The Flamming Lips |
[Apr. 14th, 2008|03:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Nashua, NH | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Killers - Smile Like You Mean It | ] |
Her name is Yoshimi - she's a black belt in karate
Working for the city - she has to discipline her body -
Cause she knows that it's demanding to defeat these
Evil machines - I know she can beat them -
Oh Yoshimi
They don't believe me
But you won't let those
Robots defeat me
Oh Yoshimi
They don't believe me
But you won't let those
Robots eat me
Those evil natured robots - they're programmed to
Destroy us - She's gotta be strong to fight them -
So she's taking lots of vitamins - cause she knows that
It'd be tragic if those evil robots win - I know
She can beat them
I thought AWW..... CUTE |
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| Cry me up the rock and down the other side. |
[Apr. 14th, 2008|03:50 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Nashua, NH | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cynical | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Killers - Jenny | ] |
higher beings sure do toss odd things my way. My downward slide is stopped this time by a marykay sales director.
I have been feeling the downs of visual errors and mental quandries. I definately don't know how to feel about all the discontent. Nobody's happy and it's so hard to get everyone else to see that spending money won't be the solve. I'm broke again. I thankfully have enough to get my transcript in to salem state. I have 3 days till anime boston and all the torment of sitting at that tabel all day. I definatly will be bringing my laptop and a power cable and extention cord. No way i'm gonna be sitting there peddling warez and not have something to do between the masses. I will very much enjoy less house and less dogs. I will probley shower twice a day. something that doesn't even happen on dirty days.
My car is going to go through more ware and tare as the week proceeds. I have to take it to Anime Boston. My Gads! I love having a car but the enjoyment of having it is deminished greatly by having constant ridquel on me. I would let people smoke in my car if i didn't have to hear about it. I need to get a cigar or something sweet and mild comes to mind. I don't even get to enjoy bubblegum cigars anymore. and it's been a year plus since i last had a rasberry gumdrop. sugar has become my coffee. i can't make it through the day withut ingesting more than some.
I need to finish writing my speech for thursday in the case i goto club cafe. alex really blew me off. I really feel a bit jadded. zack and I worked on the things we were allowed.
I think i have a broken heart. from the walls of the house to the spires of boston metro. I sure have found myself hurting with every mile i make around that city. It's not it's fault. I blame me.
Or.
It's Nobodies' fault. |
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| hands down |
[Mar. 4th, 2008|01:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Suzie McNeil - Believe | ] |
if it's to help out people why do i feel so bad about it being outta my hands now?
I hate feeling subtroverted.
I'm feeling the yerning to leave again.
Sydney |
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| crying between hectic and hell |
[Feb. 26th, 2008|02:23 pm] |
this isn't ment for anyone to comment .
I just realized how unresponsive the police were to me. I am so feeling violated again. the whole near year of pain torment and fear coming back along with a fact that NOBODY called bridges. not a soul knew i was suffering except a annoying detective. He and the WHOLE Nashua Police Dept need Domestic Violence training. they needed to call the right people. SO FUCKING WHAT if i wasn't a victum of legal sufficiance. I deserved to know i was being listened to. I feel like nobody listens. I will be feeling more liberated come this weekend. I got a car and have been fixing it for inspection on saturday. I needed this. The ability to leave to cape cod comes to mind. the ability to leave. at my will. that's a long lost feeling. not just 2yrs old. but much longer. the freedom to leave for texas if i so feel the want. I and caught between Heck and hell and it's the difference between ignorance and stupidity. I needed sesitivity training. so many people i've turned off. so many people whom deserved a voice to speak as if they were really around. my appologies for my actions.
charlotte, Juwl, all the TG's in Wichita, and kansas.
I feel sorrowful.
all i could put to mind was going to boston.
all i could think about was going to cape cod.
all i could prescribe to was there isn't something wrong, and i'm clouded
the fears of knowing or thinking i know. all the people in charge are not smart at all they're just in charge of keeping things from making not civilization. I can tell this wiggling peice of jello mass is about to tear in some way. I can only assume it'll be some Sect of society that will want to step away from the chaos.
And it's too far away to worry about it at this time.
Poor Foolish Trans people. the diversity of our organismic division. If we could only amass like the Gay's and the Lesbians. We're not even as known as the Transvestitisum that we're so putridly compared to and are nothing the like.
*PUKE*
Bye..
Sydney |
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| the termoil |
[Feb. 19th, 2008|12:07 am] |
this is definately not bad. but all so confumbling.
nipples hurting bad!
Yeah.. Too Much info..
Tata,
Sydney |
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| something as simple as that |
[Feb. 4th, 2008|07:14 pm] |
Something as simple as posting images and linking them up to one another and i excell at failing
Mariko isn't gonna be happy .. and especially I won't be happy i seem to never finish her website. nor my own.
Anxiety pills and still no release.. can it just be i'm doomed to never complete anything worth while? If that's so. why am i planning to go back to school?
why why why??? .. ... .....Why Me?
Sydney |
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| how many times |
[Jan. 3rd, 2008|05:47 pm] |
How many times are you gonna pull that on me?
when you set me up to tell you that i have to take care of myself. then you go run off on a tangent of "you'll leave me high and dry"
when were you high, and when did you get wet?
Fuck!
why people have to do this.
I don't apperciate you thinking yourself above be just surviving. I'm In PAIN!!!
Jerks!!!! |
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| Location.. |
[Jan. 3rd, 2008|08:56 am] |
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I've drifted for longer than i've guessed. things make me feel like i'm off course. I deerly hope things clear up soon. |
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